Weirdest Dream

Sunday — 22rd Dec 2024

To date, I am still haunted by this. For the last 10 or 12 years, honestly it felt easier to forget. It was quite easily actually. I just pretended to have never had it. But yesterday, after 12 years, it was referred to in open conversation. Open conversation is always where I have strugged in regards to these things, I’ve never been the type to be dying of it struggling with anything, but open convesation.

I was asked the next steps, I made some up, with some basis in reality, but hardly any to be real. I let it go, honestly, in the past it used to bother me so much it even being brought up. It felt like taking advantage of a kid who couldn’t answer any better; though he could. No one really knows the truth anyway. Its been a web of lies for half my life. A lie I cared so much about. I don’t know if I started caring more after everything went wrong or I always did, I’d love to think I always did, it always meant so much to me and we spent so much time together, how could it not?

In the dream, we spoke, a lot. It had come back, but it was similar to what we speak. It was pretty confusing for sure, not what I was used to in anyway. We spoke a lot, and there was a lot of criticism I think, I don’t even remember mostly. It was weird, but it was maybe the first time I remembered them so vividly, unprompted. Maybe thats a good omen? I don’t really know. Its too late now, I feel like. Its all so over. I truly wish it hadn’t all gone to this, I really do, even though its wrong for me to feel this way. It really is. But sometimes I do imagine the world where nothing happened. Its all gone so far in the past, and wow, they don’t regret it. They shouldn’t, but the respect I have because of that is only more and more. I know its wrong to feel like it shouldn’t have ever happened, but I think I have that God-given right. As long as I know its wrong, I think I can still feel it. Its not my fault. All I can do is the dua my Mother makes really, but she’s a different person all together. The whole debacle for her is different, she feels for it differently, albeit I’m sure far more strongly than me. She sees hope, I see an alternate today. I see an alternate today, because the hope doesn’t appeal to me? Is it because I disconnected so hard that it literally does not bother me? Of course my mother wouldn’t feel the same way. It wouldn’t be right of her to do so. But for me, I don’t know, Allah made me this way. I think so. Is this a result of my choices? I don’t know. I was a child then, I don’t think it really is my fault I feel this way. I will make the dua of my Mother, but in my heart I don’t necessarily even feel that way. I did when I knew it could all end, in the face of that despairful future, I wished for what my mother wished. But knowing, that despairful end is not likely anymore, I don’t wish for it anymore. Why? I wish I would wish for it. I really do.